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M: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it"....
S: What do you mean?
M: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady....
S: Yes....
M: What's it like?
Well, gentleman, I'll just remind you of the faculty rules:
Rule 1: No pooftahs.
Rule 2: No member of the faculty is to maltreat the abbos in any way whatsoever, if there's anyone watching.
Rule 3: No pooftahs.
Rule 4: I don't wanna catch anyone not drinking in their rooms after lights out.
Rule 5: No pooftahs.
Rule 6: There is no rule six.
Rule 7: No pooftahs.
"Burma!"
"Why did you say 'Burma'?"
"I panicked."
Burying the cat, from the 3rd series of Monty Python
Mrs. Conclusion (Chapman): Hullo, Mrs. Premise.
Mrs. Premise (Cleese): Hullo, Mrs. Conclusion.
Conclusion: Busy Day?
Premise: Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat.
Conclusion: *Four hours* to bury a cat?
Premise: Yes - it wouldn't keep still.
Conclusion: Oh - it wasn't dead, then?
Premise: No, no - but it's not at all well, so as we were going to be on the safe side.
Conclusion: Quite right - you don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat. It'd be so anticlimactic. Yes, kill it now, that's what I say. We're going to have to have our budgie put down.
Premise: Really - is it very old?
Conclusion: No, we just don't like it. We're going to take it to the vet tomorrow.
Premise: Tell me, how do they put budgies down, then?
Conclusion: Well, it's funny you should ask that, because I've just been reading a great big book about how to put your budgie down, and apparently you can either hit them with the book, or you can shoot them just there, just above the beak.
Premise: Just there? Well, well, well. 'Course, Mrs Essence flushed hers down the loo.
Conclusion: No, you shouldn't do that - no, that's dangerous. They *breed* in the *sewers*!
The man who speaks in anagrams (From the 3rd series of Monty Python)
Palin: Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of Blood Devastation Death War and Horror, and later on we'll be meeting a man who *does* gardening. But first on the show we've got a man who speaks entirely in anagrams.
Idle: Taht si crreoct.
Palin: Do you enjoy it?
Idle: I stom certainly od. Revy chum so.
Palin: And what's your name?
Idle: Hamrag - Hamrag Yatlerot
Palin: Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show. Now, where do you come from?
Idle: Bumcreland.
Palin: Cumberland?
Idle: Stah't it sepricely.
Palin: And I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare?
Idle: Sey, sey - taht si crreoct, er - ta the mnemot I'm wroking on "The Mating of the Wersh".
Palin: "The Mating of the Wersh"? By William Shakespeare?
Idle: Nay, by Malliwi Rapesheake.
Palin: And what else?
Idle: "Two Netlemeng of Verona", "Twelfth Thing", "The Chamrent of Venice"....
Palin: Have you done "Hamlet"?
Idle: "Thamle". 'Be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestquoi.'
Palin: And what is your next project?
Idle: "Ring Kichard the Thrid".
Palin: I'm sorry?
Idle: 'A shroe! A shroe! My dingkom for a shroe!'
Palin: Ah, Ring Kichard, yes... but surely that's not an anagram, that's a spoonerism.
Idle: If you're going to split hairs, I'm going to piss off. (Exit)
The Spam Sketch from the second series of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" and "Monty Python's Previous Record"
(Spam = Spiced Pork And Ham, a sort of cheap luncheon meat)
Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife enter.
Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.
Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.
Man (to Waitress): Morning!
Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and
spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!)
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't
have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam.
I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Two men enter stage right (I think). Both are dressed as judges, including wigs. As they talk, they start undressing. Both speak in a feminine voice...
Man 1: Oh, I've had a bitch of a morning in the high court.
Man 2: Oh, aye.
M1: Oh, I could stamp my little feet the way those counselors carry on.
M2: Oh, don't I know it, love.
M1: Oh, dear, objection here, objection there. And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well.
M2: Oh, aye.
M1: Beautiful speaking voice.
M2: And what a body!
M1: Oh, yea.
M2: Oh, aye really.
M1: Well, after a bit all I could do was bang me gavel.
M2: You what, love?
M1: I banged me gavel.
M2: Oh, get away.
M1: I did. I did my "Silence in court" bit. If looks could have killed, that prosecuting counsel would have been in for 30 years. How did your summing-up go?
M2: Well, quite well, really. I did my butch voice, you know, in a butch voice "What the jury must understand," end use of butch voice and they loved it! I could see that little curly-headed foreman of the jury eyeing me.
M1: Really?
M2: Oh, yea, cheeky devil. I finished up with, I got really strict- return of butch voice, but slowly returns to feminine voice "The actions of thes vicious men are a violent stain upon the community and the full penalty of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes." Then I waggled me wig.
M1: You waggled you what?
M2: I waggled me wig.
M1: Really?
M2: That was the only thing I waggled. Ever so slightly. Stunning effect. Anyway, I gave him three years. He only took ten minutes.
M1: Well, as I said to Melvin Belly the other day, you know, "You can put it in the hand of your attorneys, but it'll never hold up in court."
Both men walk off-stage in women's lingerie, their arms around each other.
